Friday, July 20, 2007

I didn't dream it

Sam's mum, Helen, emailed me this morning so now I know for sure it wasn't a dream. Sam has such a wonderful vision of living the life he wants lead, following his passions of mountain biking and bushwalking AND making a significant contribution to society. It is wonderful to see such passion, enthusiasm and tenacity in him. He is obviously the little miracle I need.

This morning as I was clearing pooh from the horse's field I was thinking about my wavering confidence. On the one hand I know with certainty that this book that is swirling around has to be written; it will be awesome, it will make a difference for youngsters and adults alike. I have a vision of it printed in many languages, copies given to schools, Sam and I interviewed on Oprah. And then that little voice kicks in - the voice that says 'Who are you? What makes you think you are so special?' I feel my shoulders slump, and my head bow. Suddenly maybe I'm not 'enough' to do this; maybe it's just a castle in the air, all fluffy clouds and no real substance.

I was thinking I needed to do some clutter clearing in my soul again, to clear out this doubting voice, clear that energy from my aura. And perhaps I will. But when I got Helen's email and I heard more about young Sam, I thought 'If I can't feel special enough to do this for myself, then I sure as hell must do it for Sam.'

If I don't believe in myself right now, if I let the old hag voice get to me and hold me back, then all the things that I want Sam and all other 12 year olds to believe about themselves, will dissipate into thin air. I have always had a huge desire, need even, to make a difference. Making a difference has been one of my strongest values for the longest time. This is my chance to step up to the plate and give it my absolute best shot, for Sam, for 12 year olds the world over and for myself. Never mind the old hag within, I will rise to this challenge.

Interestingly I also had an email yesterday, via Ecademy from an amazing chap in Brazil, Joaquim. It was interesting because I listed the word 'Positive' on my Ecademy profile and Joaquim asked me if I am always positive, or if anything holds me back. I always try to find the positive in everything, but yes, self-doubt has held me back. No more though.

Tenacity is one of the core themes in my book. Tenacity has always saved me from the old hag in my darkest moments, of which there has been many. Tenacity is going to pull me right into this book and beyond. Time to get writing!

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