Sunday, November 18, 2007

I am in love!!!

Well here she is. The car of my dreams. The only car I have ever really had any feelings for prior to this Chrysler Crossfire, is the Golf GTi - the 1980's version. But even those vague stirrings of lust pale into insignificance beside this one.

I first met a Crossfire in Borders car park. You know that moment when you see a cute guy across the room and you get a full minute to check him out and really appreciate his cuteness, and your heart starts to palpitate? Well that was how I felt when I saw my first Crossfire. I was smitten.

I've had a picture of a Crossfire on my dream board ever since. I spot one on the road and smile to myself. But then they also started appearing closer to home. A friend of a friend has one, and I sat in it.

Then just recently a friend and her hubby bought one. Last week she brought it down and we went off to an event in it. I have an image of that Crossfire parked on my drive imprinted on my memory. It looked so perfect and so at home.

So I had to do it. I had to drive one. I booked the test drive with some anticipation. By the time I got to the showroom on Saturday I was alive with excitement. I was tingling when Stefan handed over the key and said, 'I'll see you in half an hour then; go play'.

I took her gently out of the showroom car park and played tentatively with the pedals and gears. I was pleasantly surprised. She was very solid on the road, responsive but not trigger happy. Together we strolled down the Lincoln by pass until we got to the dual carriageway. Then I went for a little gutsy acceleration; a tiny roar, nothing too showy. Just enough to glide smoothly past half a dozen cars and cruise up to 70 mph. She purred, and so did I.

We sat effortlessly at 70 ish, slowing for the roundabout... then a quick spurt.... then easing off. I didn't want to go too fast, just because I didn't want it to be over. I wasn't just smitten; now I was totally besotted. I could feel that heady mix of excitement, anticipation and longing that comes when you are completely in lust and the object of your desire is just about to walk through the door. And there was no holding back. Knowing that she would lap up every word of love I poured out to her, I told her everything. I told her of my excitement that she would soon be in my life permanently, how much I loved her, how much I longed to have her in my driveway, how I so wanted our togetherness.

I did think I might be getting a little carried away, but she really did evoke that intensity of emotion. I could feel that tightness in my chest, the tingling, the light headedness. And I still can as I write.

We pulled off the A46 and went over the bridge to rejoin it on the opposite side. We waited patiently for a Range Rover to pass and pulled out behind him. Then we just had to go for it. I dropped a gear, touched the gas and eased her into the adjacent lane. Seconds later he was but a speck in the rear view. We giggled like a pair of naughty school girls. It was better than sex!!Then we calmed down a little, not wanting the moment to end. We cruised smugly back to the showroom.

'How was it', said Stefan?

'I am in love,' I breathed the words with that deep, almost primal tone that comes from the guts not the throat.

'Well just let me know when you are ready', he smiled, with that knowing smile that says I am not the first person, male or female, to have melted on his desk after driving the Crossfire. Nor were mine the first fingers he had to prise apart to get the key back.

Bless you Stefan, we will meet again; only next time I'll be keeping that key!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

George is in Vogue

According to Anna-Marie Solowji, Beauty and Health Director at Vogue 'The fashion pack go nowhere without their pedigree chums - and the Jack Russell is the breed of choice'.

Whooppeee George is in fashion... and therefore so am I?

We are in good company it seems, Jacks are favoured by miliner Philip Treacy, the legendary Karl Lagerfeld, Prince Charles and Goldie Hawn. Litereary greats William Faulkner and Tom Wolfe also owned Jack Russells.

A Jack has even been featured on the cover of Vogue, shot, apparently, by Peter Lindbergh. Hopefully the only shooting was with a camera!

Monday, October 08, 2007

My kind of angel!

This morning I pulled a card from my Angel Wisdom pack and the wisdom I received was to have more fun. Then my friend sent me this chap: now this is my kind of angel and definitely fun!

Monday, September 10, 2007

A beauty full life

I hadn't realised quite how important beauty is in my life until this weekend. I've been on a weekend workshop with the awesome Mike Handcock ( and had so many insights, it's hard to recount them all. But this insight really stood out for me. It came from an exercise where we wrote down three words for each question asked (such as three qualities we admired, three talents we have, three passions we have...etc) and then circled words that came up more than once. Beauty came up four times for me.

It got me thinking about where beauty is and the role it plays in my life. I see beauty in my little dog George, in Penny and Jester (my horses), in the vast sky that stretches above me and the earth and grass beneath my feet as I walk from home to the horses' field. I see beauty in nature all around me everyday, and I'd starve without it. I see beauty in the faces and the souls of people I meet. To me beauty is not about what you look like, it's about who you are.

I truly appreciate beauty in words, in sounds and in pictures. I appreciate beauty in a website, a book, a photograph, a painting. And I need to give beauty in everything I do. It's perhaps why I am so visually pedantic and have such high standards for wanting things to look right. It's why I am picky about the cartoonist in my books, why I love the work of Tania Lambert who has created illustrations for me. Why I want to create visually stimulating and creative ebooks as well as write beautifully crafted words in them.

Perhaps it's also why I get very frustrated with the 'salesy' websites that look and sound the same. Does any one else care that something published on the web should have the same quality and standards as something printed in hard copy?

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that beauty figures so largely in my life. I look up from my computer to the collage of pictures and words I made over a year ago and put on my wall - the biggest word on that collage is beauty!

Here is my beauty-full George (he was a bit smelly when we took this pic though - not sure what he'd been rolling in. I put him down very quickly!)

Monday, August 27, 2007

Sometimes you need to know when to give in!

Apparently it's all Saturn's fault that the last two years have been so pants. I very rarely bother reading horoscopes, but recently Shelley Von Strunckel has intrigued me with her talk of Saturn in Leo causing disruption for the last two years. Take today for example:

Daily stars for today 27 August 2007
It’s been demanding. But when you reflect on the two years that Saturn’s been in your sign, you’ll realise how much you learned, faced and achieved. Now, during its final week in Leo, there may be one or two issues left to confront. Then, next Sunday, you say farewell to it and begin a new cycle.

Well, she is darned right. The last two years have been demanding, disruptive, difficult and although interspersed with some very wonderful moments, there have been a number of times when I have wanted to just go under the duvet and never some out. But dear Shelley is also quite right about the learning and achievements too. I have learned SO MUCH about myself in the last two years and the last six months have been full of the last pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that make the picture suddenly become clear.

One of my biggest learnings, possibly the most painful, but also the most liberating was the realisation that one of my greatest strengths - my tenacity, my determination never to give up - was also my greatest downfall when not carefully managed. My refusal to give up in certain circumstances - men, money and business especially - has clouded my vision and stopped me from seeing clearly the proverbial dead horses I have been flogging. In each case I should have walked away long before I did. This refusal to give in also clouded my vision of my true path. For how long have I been going the wrong way up this street of life, I wonder? How much time and energy have I consumed swimming against my tide? How much money would I have made instead of lost?

What I do know for sure now is that when you have bought yourself lemons, you had better make lemonade. Regardless of what I have 'spent' or lost in time, energy, money or love, I can replace it all and then some, if I allow my tenacity to work for me not against me. I am so looking forward to this new chapter of my life; so looking forward to making time, making money and making love. So looking forward to being who I truly am, to writing and creating beautiful books, speaking beautiful words and inspiring the beautiful 'self' in my readers and audiences.

So new cycle, new chapter, new life (new blog template) - bring it on!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The day my vision became a wall not just a board

There are days in your life when something awesome happens. Sunday 6th August 2007 was an awesome day. It was a day of love, of sharing, of giving and receiving. Four phenomenal speakers gave their all on the stage of The London Palladium, 1500 people loved and received them and an amazing team of loving people made it happen.

Akasha 2007 was a triumph for the organisers and visionaries - Triumphant Events. The day wasn’t without its hitches and glitches, but they paled into insignificance as the momentum of inspiration grew to a crescendo throughout the day. I couldn’t possibly do justice to the day, to the event or to the speakers if I tried to prĂ©cis what they talked about and every one of us will have heard a different presentation based on what we needed to hear. This article is my aha moments from the day.

Bob Proctor, teacher of The Secret and The Science of Getting Rich, spoke first and held the audience for very nearly three hours. No-one could quite believe that this man is 73, and you could feel the mental notes being taken, and fitness goals being set, around the auditorium. He is such a vital man and the living embodiment of his teachings.

The message I needed to hear from Bob Proctor was around quantum leaps and focus. Small steps and changes, trying that bit harder, doing that bit more is certainly better than no action at all, but what if I could make that quantum leap? Looking at those leaps I had made in the past, hadn’t they actually made life simpler and saved much time and energy?

Bob talked about the analogy of the fly at the window, trying and trying and trying again to get through the glass, possibly even dying in the process because it hasn’t seen the open door on the other side of the room which presents its route to freedom. How often have we done that? Kept on throwing ourselves against a problem when all we have to do is take that leap of faith in turning around and seeing the solution elsewhere? I know that my tenacity is one of my greatest strengths but it can also be my greatest downfall when it keeps me bashing away in the same place and still not getting the result I want.

I have made a note to open my mind to my next quantum leap and to embrace it.

Focus. Oh that illusive thing that I chase and can’t catch. Uncle Bob had my answer for that too. He talked of the time he worked with Earl Nightingale, co-founder of Nightingale Conant and the probable instigator of the self-motivation/development industry. He recalled asking Earl Nightingale about how to manage time and got the response that time cannot be managed but activities can. Quite simple: ‘I sit down at night and make a list of the things I want to do, and next day I do ‘em!’ Focus only on the thing you are doing now, forget about the other things on the list while you do it.

Now why hadn’t I got that before? When I’m riding my horses I practise intense focus, I ride in the now, I switch off from everything but me and my horse. I even teach other riders to do it. So how come I couldn’t do it with my To Do list? Dr John De Martini had the answer to that one – which I also knew but needed the reminder.

‘The main thing is to keep the main thing, the main thing!’ said Bob. I wrote that down with a mental note to print it out and stick it on the wall in my writing room. Simple statement, so much power in it.

One final thought (among so many) from Bob Proctor; how many things do we do that are other people’s habits? That reminded me of a story. A woman always cut the end of a joint off before cooking it. Asked why she did it, she wasn’t sure but her mother had done it, so she did. She phoned her mother to ask why. Her mother wasn’t sure, but her mother always did that, so she did. She phoned her mother to ask why and got the reply: ‘well, my pan wasn’t big enough’. Note to self – challenge my habits.

Dr John DeMartini, creator of the Demartini Method ® and a teacher of The Secret, stands up in front of an audience over 400 times a year. Not bad for someone who was told at age 7 he would never communicate, read or write. Well this guy blew me away. He fired words into the audience like bullets from a Kalashnikov. More than once he was asked to ‘say that again’ so we could capture his wisdom before it was lost in the next barrage.

The messages he had for me were many. The first was about the vastness of my vision – which I thought was pretty huge. But I was only thinking of my lifetime. He challenged us to think bigger – what about my vision and legacy for the next 500 years, the next millennium? Wow… need to think about that one.

What you see in others is a reflection of yourself, he told us. Make a list of all the people you admire and why you admire them. List their traits and their qualities. See those qualities in yourself, own them, live them, be them. (Note to self, do this, re Oprah). Fortunately he told us a story so my steaming pen could have respite.

The story John told was of a young boy in South Africa who heard him speak and said he wanted to be an international speaker. Dr J did the admiration exercise with the group and this boy took on and owned the traits of an international speaker. He stood up and gave the most inspirational, awesome speech. Dr J talked about this in a radio interview the following day and this young man was invited to the radio station and is now giving inspirational talks all over his country. (Second note to self – definitely do this exercise!)

Then came the answer to my focus conundrum: the hierarchy of values. And in a way this was a bit embarrassing, because, for the longest time, I have known about values (what is important to us in any given context) and the fact that our hierarchy of values in each area of our life drives our thoughts, our behaviours, our actions and our destiny. I have written about values, lectured on values, coached values, elicited customer values for market research projects, but I had forgotten to revisit my own values. Ouch! Another note to self.

I didn’t think the day could get much better, but then Roger Hamilton took the stage and took the momentum even higher, giving us the five keys we were meant to bring into this life but left behind somewhere in the birth process. These were our Legacy, Ownership, Value and Emotion culminating in the fifth which is LOVE.

Now I thought there was a fair amount of love hanging around in The Palladium by that point, but then Roger got us to stand up and put our hands on each other’s shoulders. The lights dimmed and ‘Where is the love’ started to play. Very soon 1500 odd people were swaying together as one. I know I’m not the only one that felt the energy and vibration step up a level and the wave of love envelope us, move us and raise us higher than we thought we would ever go. I’ve been to many events where I have come away hyped up, inspired, buzzing, raring to go and woken up the following day feeling rather flat and anti-climactic. But the feeling I had from this event was very different. I wasn’t hyped up, I was raised up, and there is no falling down from that. I am vibrating at a different level, and so I suspect are many others.

Getrude Matsche concluded the day and held us spell-bound with her story. Her African roots resonated strongly for me. I love Africa and feel a strong affinity for the continent, having visited several times. Getrude’s story of leaving Zimbabwe and making a life for her and her family in New Zealand is remarkable but her vision is just amazing.

If Getrude was a typical African woman she would already be dead, probably of Aids. The average life expectancy of women in Africa is just 32. Millions of children are born HIV positive and orphaned through AIDS. In Getrude’s own family, 19 have died of Aids each leaving between 4 and 8 children parentless. Getrude has set up the Africa Alive Foundation as an education fund for HIV orphans in Africa. The Foundation will educate young Africans and help them become entrepreneurs so that they too can make a difference. Getrude speaks all over the world and sells copies of her book Born on The Continent – Ubuntu to raise money for the Foundation. I urge you to buy her book and hear her if you get the chance.

Often when you listen to these incredible speakers, you think WOW, but also think that the gap between where you are and where they are, is so vast; too wide a chasm to cross. You are inspired by them, but feel you will never be one of them. One of the most amazing things that came out of this day for me was the sense of that chasm shrinking. A real sense that in finally being who I am, and doing what I am here to do, I am already standing on that platform with them.

Now please excuse me, I have a vision wall to create.

Getrude Matshe
Bob Proctor:
Dr John Demartini
Roger Hamilton

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Hope for humanity

My book for Sam is coming together, but I find my writing flows better when I am inspiring myself, so over the last week I have been watching the 20th Anniversary collection of the Oprah Show. I just love that woman! She inspires me to reach the heights of my potential that I know I can reach, but sometimes feel too scared to do so. I have laughed, cried, been inspired and horrified as I’ve watched the snippets of her interviews.

All of them have made me think but one in particular struck the core of my soul. It was her interview with Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, who was taken to Auschwitz with his parents and family as a small boy. A few years ago, I visited Auschwitz while on a trip to Poland with my (now ex) boyfriend. It was January, minus 16 degrees, thick snow. I remember having a cold and the wet tissues froze in my coat pocket. I was wrapped up in thick layers and a warm coat but the cold still tore at my face, and I wouldn't take off my gloves, even to blow my nose. The people incarcerated in that camp had worn just one thin layer, supplied by the Nazis; their own clothes taken away.

It was the most haunting place. You could feel the raw pain of those thousands of lost souls. It was just horrifying to see the train lines which brought thousands of men women and children into the camp. People believing that that were coming to a new life, people who had paid hard cash for that journey, holding that belief, and who were in fact coming to their death. This picture shows the train lines (in the snow) and the main guard house at the Birkenhau part of the Auschwitz-Birkenhau camp in Poland.

Immediately on arrival at the camp Elie Wiesel was separated from his mother and sister and he never saw them again. As people got off the train they were directed right or left depending on gender and age. It was usually the last time women saw their husbands and boys; the last time men and boys saw their wives and mothers. Thousands of them went directly to the gas chambers. Others were sent to these huts and put to work - frequently that work involved assisting in the murder of their fellow travellers.

Among the many horrors Elie witnessed were children being thrown alive into fire pits because the gas chambers were full. I can't begin to imagine how horrific that would be. And the fact that similar atrocities still happen the world over sickens me.

The image that sticks in my mind from my visit to Auschwitz is this one. It isn't a great picture but maybe you can get the gist. This display cabinet, which was floor to ceiling and at least 16 feet wide, is full of human hair, taken from the corpses in the gas chamber.

What struck me about Elie Wiesel in his conversation with Oprah, was his hope for humanity. He said ‘I have six million reasons to give up on the world, to give up on any other person, to give up on God, to give up on faith…and in spite of that, I must have faith in the possibility of every human being to remain human in spite of everything.’
I am humbled by his hope and by his faith. I guess ultimately that is what keeps us all going - faith and hope, one way or another. I still have to ask myself though, how can we even tolerate a world in which these atrocities are allowed to happen? Because they still do - everyday, somewhere in the world; maybe not on the scale of the Holocaust in one place, but collectively, the world over, day after day, we are destroying our fellow men. How can we hold so much hatred? How come we cannot love our neighbours as ourselves?
Perhaps therein lies the crux of the matter. When we don't love and accept ourselves enough, warts and all, then how are we able to extend our love unconditionally to all humanity, and to stop the killing - whether that is the brutal murders we hear about on the news, to the snide comments we make about others to make ourselves feel better, to the damaging words we use in our self-talk?
But Elie Wiesel can still believe in humanity, after all he witnessed, then I guess I can too, and I'll be sharing that belief with Sam.

Friday, July 20, 2007

I didn't dream it

Sam's mum, Helen, emailed me this morning so now I know for sure it wasn't a dream. Sam has such a wonderful vision of living the life he wants lead, following his passions of mountain biking and bushwalking AND making a significant contribution to society. It is wonderful to see such passion, enthusiasm and tenacity in him. He is obviously the little miracle I need.

This morning as I was clearing pooh from the horse's field I was thinking about my wavering confidence. On the one hand I know with certainty that this book that is swirling around has to be written; it will be awesome, it will make a difference for youngsters and adults alike. I have a vision of it printed in many languages, copies given to schools, Sam and I interviewed on Oprah. And then that little voice kicks in - the voice that says 'Who are you? What makes you think you are so special?' I feel my shoulders slump, and my head bow. Suddenly maybe I'm not 'enough' to do this; maybe it's just a castle in the air, all fluffy clouds and no real substance.

I was thinking I needed to do some clutter clearing in my soul again, to clear out this doubting voice, clear that energy from my aura. And perhaps I will. But when I got Helen's email and I heard more about young Sam, I thought 'If I can't feel special enough to do this for myself, then I sure as hell must do it for Sam.'

If I don't believe in myself right now, if I let the old hag voice get to me and hold me back, then all the things that I want Sam and all other 12 year olds to believe about themselves, will dissipate into thin air. I have always had a huge desire, need even, to make a difference. Making a difference has been one of my strongest values for the longest time. This is my chance to step up to the plate and give it my absolute best shot, for Sam, for 12 year olds the world over and for myself. Never mind the old hag within, I will rise to this challenge.

Interestingly I also had an email yesterday, via Ecademy from an amazing chap in Brazil, Joaquim. It was interesting because I listed the word 'Positive' on my Ecademy profile and Joaquim asked me if I am always positive, or if anything holds me back. I always try to find the positive in everything, but yes, self-doubt has held me back. No more though.

Tenacity is one of the core themes in my book. Tenacity has always saved me from the old hag in my darkest moments, of which there has been many. Tenacity is going to pull me right into this book and beyond. Time to get writing!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Just awesome!

Something incredible happened this morning. At 7 am I had a phone call from a young chap, Sam, in New Zealand. This is my first contact with Sam and he phoned me to ask if I would be his mentor. It seems Sam's mother is a member of the XL network, as am I, and Sam had found me on the XL database. Sam is 12; he has already formed his vision, he knows his passion and wants me to mentor him on building wealth. I was stunned... and honoured...and inspired.

Part of me thinks maybe I dreamt it. Part of me knows that magic happens in XL and I didn't dream it all. The irony that Sam is a 12 year old has not escaped me, because my world turned upside down at age 12. Is this God working in mysterious ways I wonder? Yesterday I was still feeling a bit at sea following the move and asked for clarity, certainty, the way forward.

This morning Sam calls me and suddenly it all falls into place. Is Sam an angel, I wonder? If I did dream it, does it matter when that clarity and certainty has come? You see, for a while now a book has been wafting around in my ether. A book I knew I had to write but couldn't see how to make it unique. And now it's clear. The book is for Sam and 12 year old's all over the world. It's the tips that Sam wants to help him become wealthy, but it's the tips that most other books don't cover. It's life lessons for 12 year olds and adults who need to revisit 12 years old to reconnect with who they are. It's the book I wish I'd had at 12 to guide and mentor me through life and death.

One way or another, I think young Sam is an angel. And I reckon he'll mentor me as much, if not more than the other way round. Bless you Sam!

Back from the boxes

I canit believe it's so long since I have been here! Moving house seems to take forever. Firstly there's the packing and the clutter clearing and the throwing out; then the moving itself; and then the unpacking, clutter clearing and throwing out. No matter how much stuff you let go of in the packing process there is always more that has to go when you unpack. Things that have no home in the new place, things that you thought you wanted and put in a box but then wonder why you kept when they come out of it. Things that you discover don't go with the new decor and things that discover don't work - like the hover mower that I hadn't used for yonks, which doesn't cut the grass because two blades are missing and the other one is snapped in half! Why didn't I think to look at that when I was on a tip run?

This move seemed to take doubly long because I had my temporary lodger still with me. My friend M had been staying with me for the last 6 months. She had a superb opportunity to move to Herefordshire but had to work out her notice, so I've had her, some of her stuff and her large dog camping out in my spare room. Which meant that the things I wanted to store in the spare room were littered about other rooms while waiting for her to vacate. Last weekend we took her, her stuff and the large dog to her new home. Her horse wouldn't go in the trailer so its still here (though not in my spare room, thank goodness) until she finds an alternative. I have visions of her leading horse down the M5. I don't seem to have stopped moving things, people or animals for over a month!

But now, finally, it's done. Everything bar one box of magazines is in its home - or the spare room. And as I sit here in my writing room, enveloped by my big comfy chair that I've had since I was a student (and which has followed me to every home since); tapping away laptop on my lap, the summer breeze (rain-less for once) wafting in the open french doors, at last I have a sense of peace, a sense of homecoming. Phewwww!

Monday, June 04, 2007

Life lessons from a pink handbag

I never thought a pink Radley bag would hold a life lesson, as well as all the accoutrements a girl needs, but this one does. Here is The Bag itself:

At the weekend I went shopping for a new duvet, determined to treat myself to a lovely light goose feather and down version, which I duly did. I then popped into the Boundary Mills discount shop with my friend Rach, to look for business clothes for her. 'Let's just have a quick look at the Radley section' I said, being something of a Radley bag fanatic. And there she was.... the pink holdall, reduced from £250 to £99.

I made a beeline for her. Oh the beauty, the softness and the pinkness. Love at first sight. I picked her up and put her down again and nonchalantly wandered off to look at other bags. I could have bought half the stock. But I could not get the Pink Bag off my mind. I went and picked her up again. 'I so want this, but I shouldn't' I said to Rach. 'Why not? 'said Rach; 'The only reason not to have it is if you can't afford it'. 'Well I have the money,' I replied, 'but I shouldn't be spending it.' Rach gave me a quizzical look and wandered off to see what tempted her.

I was flooded with feelings of desire and guilt. I could hear my mother's voice, bless her, tutting in my head, 'You don't need it; you've got a perfectly adequate bag you can use'; and my father's voice reminding me how money just slips through my fingers - despite him being the one who, when I was 17 and couldn't decide which pair of shoes to have, bought me both pairs!

With palpitations I took The Bag and approached the pay desk. Almost with my eyes closed I paid for her and tried to justify to myself why she was such a good and sensible purchase (other than the reduced price). And as I was walking back to the car I thought, 'What the hell am I doing? All this time I am spending learning about the Law of Attraction, reading The Secret, The Cosmic Ordering System and other books, and trying to put into practise the principles of flow and attraction and gratitude, and here I am feeling guilty about buying something beautiful which I can afford. How am I so not trusting myself to generate more money flow to replace what I have just spent? I am blocking the flow of everything I am trying to get flowing!!!'

I looked at The Bag in my hand, lifted her and kissed her squarely. 'You beautiful thing', I said to her. 'Thank you for teaching me that lesson. I clearly needed to know that right now. From now I trust my capabilities to create a wonderful money flow'.

I think Rach thought I was a bit mad, but then it wouldn't be the first time she's thought that!

Tina B, Diva
The Pink Bag Lady

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Scones and The Power of Now

It's nearly three weeks since Claire had the stroke, and I am delighted to report that she is coming on really well. Her speech is improving, she is able to get herself from wheelchair to bed to loo to chair (not necessarily in that order); movement and muscle control is slowly coming back. It is incredible though to watch my vital, energetic friend working so hard on keeping her bottom tucked in and her feet balanced as she slowly stands up. The concentration involved in a movement that we take for granted and just three weeks ago so did she.

It has so brought home to me that notion of being in the present. I was reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now this evening while eating a scone that my Mum had baked this morning. I got half way through eating the scone and realised that I had hardly tasted it, I was so ingrossed in the book. How often, I wonder, do I... do you... eat, walk, talk on autopilot paying no attention to the presence of where we are, what we are putting in our mouths, what we are doing? How often do we truly enjoy the moment we are in, in our haste to get to the next moment?

So I put the book down and ate the rest of the scone in revered silence, giving the scone the attention it deserved, honouring my mother's wonderful baking and the love she pours into it. It tasted so good, light, crumbly, sweet. I became conscious of each mouthful, each roll of the tongue, each grind of the teeth, each muscle in my face involved in the act of eating. I gave that scone the same level of concentration that Claire has to employ to stand up correctly, isolating and controlling each muscle and each movement.

I started to think about when, if ever, I am truly in the 'now'. The closest I think I get to switching off my thoughts and being truly in the present on a regular basis is when I am riding the horses. That's one of the reasons I love it, because I can and do switch off from everything and focus just on Penny or Jester and I, always with the intention of becoming as one entity in each moment; our energies moving and merging together. In this moment, and when we get that sense of true harmony, our energies merging into one, there is only joy - nothing else.

When I focused purely on the eating of the scone and became mindless of anything else, there was only joy. I thought of Tolle's instruction: Wherever you are, be there totally. I was totally with that scone and it was bliss. I think I'll 'be' in the 'now' more often. Now, after all, is all that exists, we might as well enjoy it.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Balancing acts

I hate it when I feel out of control, but I frequently do. Why, I ask myself, am I not a wonderfully disciplined person, who runs her life like a military operation with exactly enough time to do everything she needs to do and chill at the end of the day with a glass of Rioja. I think I'll even be late for my own parting - 'Sorry, I can't die yet, I haven't finished what I was doing and I'll still got another half dozen tasks to do!!'. I'll have to live til I'm at least 100 to catch up with myself.

I've done all the values stuff - what is important to me, prioritising the important things, dropping unnecessary balls and trying to delegate to people who are better than me at certain tasks (like book keeping! yuk!). So what is still missing? Why am I not superwoman?

Maybe its about inner balance rather than outer balance. Maybe it's not about balancing tasks, but about balancing my inner core so that the outer tasks become easier. Yes, ok, those of you who have 'got it', probably wonder why its taken me this long. Well it just has. According to my Human Design profile, I learn by trail and error and experience (which is clearly why it takes me so long to work out things that others just 'know').

Mystic Mog (my friend, Meredith) lent me a book last night: Perfect Health, by Deepak Chopra, which talks about Ayurvedic principles and the balancing of the doshas (Vata, Pitta, Kapha). I sense some illumination and a light bulb moment. I suspect I am a dominant Kapha, which means I need light, air, and warmth in my life to balance the cool, heaviness of the Kapha traits. Which makes complete sense: I crave light sunny long summer days and am not at my best in winter, cloudy, wet or cold weather. I gain weight easily and so will be looking to try out more light foods in my diet to see how that affects my weight, but also my energy levels. I have been quite uncomfortable in this cottage and am looking forward to moving. Could it be because this cottage has low ceilings, small windows, is north facing, cold and slightly damp, despite its prettiness and the bungalow I am moving to has all the main rooms on the south side, with patio doors in every main room, so it is wonderfully light, airy and warm. Even dull days will seem lighter.

I'm going to dig a bit deeper into Ayurveda. I've always known about it, but not looked into it in depth. Perhaps it's time I did. Now, 12.03, time to whizz off and drop off the marked assignments at college, make some nice lunch for Claire to save her from the hideous sausage cassserole the hospital is about to give her (when will Jamie Oliver tackle NHS food!?) and then do the other umpteen tasks I have planned for this afternoon!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Days in a daze

I started writing this on Friday, and finally found the strength and times to finish it today....

Friday's thoughts
I have spent the last couple of days in a daze, following Claire's stroke. I guess I have been in that 'shock' state that all change initally creates. I'm going to see her tomorrow, finally, but the good news is that she is much brighter today, some feeling has come back in her leg and she is reading the newspaper. So much reiki is flowing her way that I'm sure she can't help but have a full recovery. God, I hope so.

I think back to my postings recently about my feelings when my brother died and how I didn't know how to feel or what to feel, and the sense that I had to be strong for my parents; and I wonder how Claire's kids are feeling right now. Samuel is 11 and Esther 9. It must be so incredibly frightening for them, but you wonder what other thoughts are wandering through their young heads. At least they do have a great father. Claire's hubby may be frustratingly practical and sometimes worryingly attached to taking things apart and not putting them back together again, but he is probably the best father a kid could have.

Tuesday's thoughts
Having seen Claire three times now, I feel so much better and a bit less dazed by the whole thing. She is improving well but still struggles with her speech. Yesterday she was seriously pissed off because she she still hadn't had a wash at 3pm, so Pippa and I washed her to cheer her up. It's the least you can do for your best buddy. Her dad told me she had had a shower and a hairwash this morning and was much brighter for it. It's amazing how those small things we take for granted become so important to your morale when you're in hospital and can't do it for yourself.

I've also been in touch with her cyber-pals The Glitter Sisters - what a fabulous bunch of women. So much love and support is flowing from them, it's wonderful. The sense of community is quite amazing, and it's hugely supporting for me too. Sometimes being the 'supporter' is quite difficult; wanting to be constantly upbeat and positive for Claire's sake and for her friends and family, believing that she will make a full and complete recovery. At the same time being acutely aware of her mortality and the very real risk that she won't make old bones. It doesn't bear thinking about, and so I'm not, but the possibility hangs in the back of my mind like a cobweb dangling from the ceiling, just out of reach of the duster. Most of the time I can ignore it, occasionally it catches my eye and comes sharply into focus. But I also don't want to draw attention to it and give it more energy than it deserves, so I don't talk about my fears, only my positive hopes.

Today she had doppler scans on her carotid arteries to check for any other blood clots. I will feel so much easier when I know there aren't any.

Tea and bed I think... ready for another day.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Thoughts for my best friend

I had a bit of a shock this evening. My best friend's hubby called to say she was in hospital with a suspected stroke. Claire just turned 43. She lost her speech and lost all feeling in her right side. As I write her speech is returning intermittently and she has indicated that she can feel some tingling. I just hope and pray all returns to normal rapidly. Apparently this is a much more common occurance than we would think and its quite possible that she could be back to normal in 48 hours. It's also quite possible that she might not. I'm focusing my attention and energy on the former.

I guess it's like most things, you know it happens, you don't expect it to happen to your best friend. It shakes you up when it does. It makes you realise that every moment you have together is precious and not to be squandered. You just don't know what is round the corner.

As we are sending positive thoughts to Debs and her Mum, can we also spare a positive thought for Claire and will her a speedy and full recovery.

I introduced Claire to blogging last year and she's been sooo much more prolific than me. You can take a look at her blog here...

I took this pic of the cherry blossom outside my cottage a week or so ago. I thought I'd post it for Claire and Debs and Deb's Mum and everyone else out there who is in need of comfort...

'Damage'; driving us forward or driving us under?

Yesterday I did my regular 'slot' on BBC Radio Leicester with Tony Wadsworth. I love being behind a microphone and doing these radio sessions, but I sometimes feel we only scratch at the surface in the half an hour that I'm on. Our topic of conversation this week was - are we all damaged by life in some way? And what makes some people use it as a stick to beat themselves with, while others seem to find motivation and drive from it?

Yes I think life throws curved balls at us and rare are those people who have had a charmed life and are unaffected by difficult experiences or events. Most of us have had life events which 'damage' us in some way. But I guess it's not what happens to us, but how we respond to it that matters.

Waddo's view was 'shit happens... deal with it... move on'; which I happen to agree with. The critical phrase being the words 'deal with' as opposed to 'bury under a stiff upper lip', because we Brits do have a liking for burying our feelings and pretending that all will be ok. Feelings buried alive never die. They just fester away in the depths of our being until they break out one day, sometimes in a most inappropriate way or inconvenient place. There are many (Louise Hay, Candace Pert and Deepak Chopra to name just three) who believe that our dis-ease manifests itself as disease and is responsible for most of the illnesses we experience, especially the big ones and cancers in particular.

So how do we 'deal' with our feelings? How do we know that there are feelings to deal with - especially if the event that caused them happened years ago, as in the case of my brother dying.

My own rule of thumb these days is if I feel the need to cry and it's not because I am moved by a piece of music or a story, then my soul is telling me a feeling needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. Now that I have done so much energy work with Sally, I'm getting pretty good at letting the feeling come, locating it in my body, noticing its colour and texture, softening it and letting it go. Sometimes I don't even need to know what it is, just that its there. Sometimes it needs a bit of deeper surgery and sometimes it needs a return visit to Sally for some power-blasting.

I certainly recommend energy work, particularly for buried feelings, and particularly if you feel you are talked out but haven't quite got to the bottom of 'it' yet. A couple of my friends who have been down the counselling route reached a point where they felt there was nothing left to say, but still 'stuff' to deal with. Energy therapies really helped them. Check out Sally's website if you'd like to know more:

So why do some people use their life experiences as an excuse and some use it as a driving force? Is it part of our genetic make up? Can we change it?

I'll ponder this one on my next post, and I'll think up my top tips for 'dealing with' our emotional stuff. If you have any thoughts on the matter, feel free to add them.

Tina B x

Monday, May 07, 2007

The power of community and thoughts for Deb's Mum

One of the things I often feel we lack today is the sense of community that our parents enjoyed. I have lived in my village for 6 months now and sometimes barely see a soul, even though I walk around at least twice a day to take care of my horses. But the lack of local community seems to have been overtaken by communities online and I'm pleased that our Diva community is growing in numbers but also in the positive thoughts and support shared among us.

I feel touched that members of our community feel able to ask for our help and support, and our positive thoughts when they need it. Today I had this email from Debs:

Hi Tina,
Just wanted to share with you my Mum has had a serious car accident, she is currently in intensive care on a ventilator. She lost control of her car as she was setting off and hit a motorcyclist who subsequently died, he was only 21. So Mum will have to deal with the guilt and emotional trauma as well as all her physical injuries.
I hope you don't mind me asking but I wondered if perhaps the diva community could send lots of positive thoughts to my Mum please? Her name is Pat Thompson.

Many thanks

Please feel free to post your thoughts and well wishes here on the blog and please hold Debs, Pat and the family of the young man who died, in your hearts as they all pull through this tragedy. If you would also like to ask for support, please feel free to post here too.

Our thoughts are with you Debs.

Tina B x

Sunday, May 06, 2007

A Dynamic Weekend!

Talk about buzzing! If anyone reading this has been on the Wealth Dynamics weekend with Roger Hamilton, you will know what I mean. If you haven't then I'll try to give you a sense of it. Imagine 200+ people in a room, talking excitedly, discovering things about themselves which suddenly put whole rafts of their life into perspective. Recognition dawning for the first time for some, for others the final bit of the jigsaw at last.

We've all been there. The great conference from which we'd left hyped up and motivated, thinking we'd found the thing that would make us rich and lead us to the land of milk and honey - MLM, internet marketing, property investments, getting in on the stock market. It all made so much sense didn't it? And we left believing that we'd cracked it. Only somehow, months later, we discovered that we hadn't. Maybe we were just bemused, maybe we were rather poorer than when we started.

So was this Wealth Dynamics stuff just another one of 'those' weekends? I had pondered to myself on the way down to London. For some time I had been thinking that there must be some sort of model of wealth creation, and I'd been starting to develop thoughts of creating my own, when an email landed in my inbox and sent me off to listen to Roger Hamilton. He seemed to have done just what I was thinking of doing. But was it all hype and hyperbole?

Well, no. I can honestly say that it was a life changing experience. Yes I came away motivated, but more than that I came away with absolutely certainty that I had found the very thing that would make me rich - ME. Yes me. Because Roger H's whole philosophy is that it isn't what you do that creates your wealth; it's who you are. And by being who you are, your path to wealth in all its senses (and not just money) finds its flow.

Now of course this philosophy sits very well with me. Being your authentic self and running your life from your true I.D. (Inner Diva) rather than the person you think you should be, is absolutely central to my own philosophy. So to discover that my I.D, in Hamilton's Wealth Profile is a Star, came as no surprise, but it did come as a huge relief. Why? Because when I reflected on the work that I had done well and done naturally and earnt the most money from, and the work that was hard and not very lucrative, I could see clearly when I was in my Star flow and when I was trying to be someone else. Finally I could give myself permission to just be me -in business, as well as in life generally.

The things that I am really great at and love doing are all to do with creating brands and brand attraction, defining and refining identity (mine or others); and I'm most in my flow when I am doing just that. My favourite vehicles being writing and presenting, but I also really enjoy helping others define and refine their own identities and creating or building their brands.

What I am least good at is figures, business plans, the substance behind the brand. The stuff that fits other profiles, not mine. And I can't tell you how utterly liberating it is to feel that I no longer have to beat myself up for not being a great 'businesswoman'. I can redefine myself as a great 'brandwoman'. Now that feels just perfect!

I also rediscovered the importance of 'who you know', rather than 'what you do'. It doesn't matter a jot if I am crap with figures, as long as I have someone in my team who is (phew I have).
Real wealth is in the network you develop and the team around you, not in the money you have.

And over last weekend we all expanded our network, and started to see where our real value is. I'll write more on this over the coming week as I ponder and reflect (and take action). But if you are intrigued, and wondering which profile you might be, I suggest you visit the Wealth dymanics website at

Tina B x

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

More realisations about my Self

Well after Mondays' regurgitations, releases and insights, I had to have a rest yesterday. But in my resting came more clarity. I am going to call my Essential Self my Inner Diva from hereonin. Partly because that's a term I have been using for a while, before I identifed it as my Essential Self, but also because I can abbreviate it to ID, which seems very apt. ID as in Identity, because whatever we label we use it is our core identity that we are taking about here.

So back to yesterday's illuminations. I started to realise as I looked back across the last 30 years that my ID had constantly been trying to escape her cage and frequently has had enough influence to take me in certain directions. So it hasn't always been that I have done what I thought I should have done or what was expected or hoped for -sometimes far from it. But a lot of what I have done in my life has been coloured in with the pencils of guilt, fear, shame, worry etc. My Social self has certainly done a good job of making sure that if I followed the path of my ID, then I damned well felt guilty about it!

I can see that my perpetual lateness (usually about half an hour) as a teenager was my ID just pushing the boundary a bit, trying to cram that little bit extra into whatever I was doing. But my SS had me panicking all the way home, as I trotted huffing and puffing down the village trying to make up time, cringing at the telling off I would get for being late.

When I first moved to London after uni, my ID had me fall deeply in love with a gorgeous lad who did not fit any of the criteria my parents had for a 'suitable boy'. My SS prodded me with guilt that I hadn't found the ideal man of my parents dreams, until I ended up in counselling trying to unravel my feelings for Charlie and my need to alleviate my parent's pain (and not add to it).

I never did manage to reconcile that one and after a number of years of living two parallel and separate lives, with Charlie never answering the phone in case it was my mother, and pretending that we weren't living together, I finally gave up the ghost of trying. Sadly Charlie was the one I gave up. How familiar is this story? How many girls have given up the love of their lives to 'please' parent's ideals? Probably as many if not more than the girls who followed their ID and put their man first - as my elder sister did. Which is a whole other (and yes, significant)story.

I also began to remember more from my childhood. I can now clearly remember the toilets at infant school (yes I know, very bizarre), the Izal toilet paper that had no absorbent qualities at all, the taste of slightly warm school milk (I have never liked milk since), washing my hands in the tiny sinks, putting on plimsoles for Music and Movement, playing Cinderella in the school play and wearing a pink dress with lace on top of it.

I remember being a bridesmaid for my cousin when I was five and scowling because the sun was in my eyes for the photos. I can see my sister's hair, (she was a bridesmaid too) intricately piled on her head and probably set solid with a ton of hairspray (it was 1970). She looked so much older than 14. And I can clearly remember thinking that one day I would be her bridesmaid - but when the time came, I wasn't. I also remember choosing a little gold heart on a chain to wear with my gold bridesmaid's dress. I still wear that little heart now.

And with all this remembrance came the light at the end of the tunnel. It dawned on me that life is much like a railway journey - in and out of tunnels, punctuated by sudden light which might last for miles, blind you momentarily, give you immense clarity or be quickly superceded by another tunnel. Whatever, I have emerged from this seemingly interminable tunnel and let's hope there's a long stretch of track before the next one! Thank you so much to all of you who sent me support and comfort in that darkness.

Along with the light has come clarity of vision. I'll tell you more about that in my next post. I'm very excited! ... watch this space!

Tina B xx

Monday, April 23, 2007

The eternal search for my Self

They say that the darkest hour is just before the dawn. Well I hope the dawn is coming soon! I keep catching a glimpse of it and then it seems to elude me. My 'dawn' is a sense that I am truly at peace with my Self - my Inner Diva. I keep thinking I may have got there and then...wham!!! another curved ball comes flying in and knocks the dawn out of my grasp again.

Then of course there is the other saying' it's not the destination it's the journey that really counts'. Yep, I'm sure it is. I would just so like some of this journey to be a downhill stroll rather than an uphill struggle.

I have done so much clearing out over the last year of energy blockages that were protecting me from my Inner Diva, I thought that was over for a while and I could focus on inviting my Inner Diva back into my life.

So last week I had a lovely session with my friend Sally ( where we justed shifted any lingering energy out of the way so my Inner Diva could come out to play. At one point, Sally put a box of tissues on my lap, clearly expecting some emotional shedding... which didn't happen...then...but it is now! Hence my feeling that I am still in the darkest hour and dawn is still a pinprick on the horizon.

This is likely to be a long post so I suggest you go get a cup of tea and possibly a box of tissues now before settling down to it.

For some time I haven't been able to write. Even my Monday Moments have been a struggle. But I feel a need to write about this experience I have been going through over the last 48 hours - it's cathartic, but also I hope it gives hope for those of you who read it and are in the darkness too. You aren't alone. You might even have had similar experiences. Let's keep taking a step at a time onwards, together, towards that pinprick of light.

I have been reading Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star over the weekend. If you haven't read it, I really recommend that you do. Martha refers to our Essential Self (I call her my Inner Diva) and our Social Self. The Essential Self is the true essence of who we are, we were born this person and it's the part of us that is our true compass. It's our Self that would run naked down the street laughing and pulling cherry blossom off the trees.

Our Social Self is the who we think we should be. It's the part of us that would tut at the very notion of running naked in public and would make us go out clothed in order to avoid ridicule. It's the part that we allow to run our lives. It takes centre stage and relegates our Essential Self to the chorus. And yet it doesn't control the compass, so allows us to get pulled from shore to shore on the tidal wave of shoulds and ought to's and obligations and guilt and... and often those shores aren't anywhere near where our compass bearing tells us we want to go to.

Interestingly Martha also refers later in the book to the four stages of change:
Death and rebirth
Dreaming and Scheming
The Hero's Saga
The Promised Land

I have only got as far as the Death bit (I am hoping for a rebirth soon!). The first thing that struck me as I was reading the book was that the headache I had had for two days felt like it was literally splitting my head in two. I had put it down to the weather (it's been a bit close), dehydration ( I really must drink more water) and hunger (I must eat more regularly), but I knew it wasn't. In a blinding flash I could almost hear my Essential Self and my Social Self scrapping it out. Like Sleeping Beauty awoken, my Essential Self had been freed from the thorns and was now insisting on taking her starring role. Social Self was not giving up that easily!

'For God's sake', I yelled at them both, 'will you stop splitting me in two!'

They turned, aghast that I had actually heard them. I had to give them a good talking to. 'You are both essential in my life but you have different roles. If you don't work together, then you will tear us all apart and there will be no life to star in!'

Fortunately they were both so gob-smacked at my outburst I managed to continue before either could get a word in. 'ES, your role is to see the view from the trees and to set the compass bearing so we go in the right direction. SS, your role is to see the wood from the trees and manage the process of getting through the forest and onwards on our journey. Unless you appreciate each other, we're doomed to wander in this forest forever. So get a grip!'

Clearly I shocked them into some sort of agreement because the headache started to cool a bit; hushed tones took over and someone took the axe out of my head. Though I still felt decidely 'unwell'. I allowed my body to talk to me as it felt fit, following Martha's advice.

I quietly went back to reading Martha's words of wisdom about death and rebirth and the three events that are catalytic to the death/rebirth process: shock, opportunity and inner transformation. Shock is major life events that literally shock you out of your Self (positive -e.g. winning the lottery, though even that might not be positive for some, or negative e.g. death of a loved one, loss of job etc). I hadn't got as far as opportunity, suddenly the tears flooded and a huge emotional pain swept through me. Wracked is such an apt word. That's exactly what I was... wracked with...grief?

A small Tina came into my head, small, lost, confused in desperate need of a cuddle. I knew exactly when my Essential Self became Sleeping Beauty, when my Social Self took over, when I stopped being me and became far too much of who I thought I ought to be. It was when I said, aged just 12, 'Don't worry Daddy I'll look after you'. In that moment I became another person, a person who put her Self second and locked her Self away in order to make others happy. No actually, to alleviate other's pain. My driving motivation was to try to take away my parents pain.

It was a bright sunny September day - the 4th, 1977, the Queen's Silver Jubilee year. I remember I was playing out in the field with a friend. I am sure she was on her pony, jumping the straw bales. I was probably playing at being a pony, I usually was. I remember the clear bright blue sky, I don't recall who called me into the house. I do remember there were police people there. Dad was lying on the camp bed in the sitting room. He'd had a severe back problem and been bed ridden most of the summer. He'd only recently started to walk down the stairs and be taken swimming.

Quite how he managed to get the words out I don't know. My beloved brother Jonny was dead. A motorbike accident that morning. Somewhere near Driffield. My first response was 'Don't worry Daddy, I'll look after you.' The you being both my parents, not just Dad. What a bloody commitment for a 12 year old. What an identity to take on. I remember going to tell the vicar and being cuddled by the vicar's wife and being given tea.

I don't remember seeing my Mum. I think that she was being comforted by friends. Knowing, as I do now, that my Mum was fostered but had regular contact with her own mother until around 11 or 12 when her Mum seemed to just disappear, I can imagine that my brother's death would have stirred up all sorts of hidden emotion for her. I am very close to my Mum. I acutely felt her pain, though I didn't understand it.

So suddenly, here I am at 41, 30 years later, in floods of tears, having a conversation with my 12 year old Self - my Small Self - about how she felt. Here's our conversation:

Small Self: 'I wanted to take away their pain. I wanted to take care of them. They were hurting so much. I wanted it to be ok. I wanted Jonny to come back. I didn't understand why it happened. I didn't know how to be sad.'

Big Self: 'Sweetheart, you can't take away someone else's pain; you can only hold their hand while they go through it. I know you wanted it all to be ok, but sometimes life isn't ok. You just have to ride through the storm until the sun comes out again, which is always does. Hurt happens; it's part of life. We have to accept that it will heal itself given time.

I know you wanted to look after Mum and Dad. I understand that you felt their pain so much. I know you wanted to make it all better for them. But that wasn't your job to do, my love. Maybe there were lessons in life they needed to learn. Maybe they were being tested for a reason. Who knows.

It's not for us to know why sometimes; we just need to accept that things happen; we can't control everything; we can't always make things better. Sometimes we can and sometimes we can't, and when we grow wise we start to know the difference.'

Small Self: 'But I still feel so sad. Will I be wise one day?'

Big Self: 'You are already wiser than you know. It's ok to feel sad; empathy is a good thing and it's good that you feel sad about Jonny. It was a sad thing. Feeling responsible is too much for a 12 year old though. Do you still feel responsible for taking away Mum and Dad's pain?'

Small Self (sighs): 'Not now. I didn't do a very good job anyway. In fact I think I made it worse!'

Big Self (with a hug): 'You did just fine, my love. You did the best you could with the resources you had. So how do you feel about Jonny? What do you feel about him dying?'

Small Self: 'Confused. I don't really understand why? Why did he die? Why wouldn't Mum and Dad let me go to the funeral?'

Big Self: 'I don't think anyone knows why some people die young. It seems such a waste, but it happens a lot. I think Mum and Dad just wanted to protect you and the funeral was a big emotional time for them. Perhaps they wanted to make it better for you too. Perhaps they just felt it was best. Where do you feel the feeling of confused?'

Small Self: 'In my head. It's like a black hole.'

Big Self: 'Can you put your attention on that black hole? What is it like?'

Small Self: 'Just heavy and black. It gives me a headache.'

Big Self: 'Suppose we got some golden sunlight and filled the black hole. Can you do that?'

Small Self: 'Yes, I can do that. I've filled it right up.'

Big Self: 'You're good at this! So now it's full of light let's call that acceptance. We've filled up the black hole called Confused with sunlight called Acceptance. Can you do that too?

Small Self: 'Yes'

Big Self: 'So let's say together: Although I don't understand why Jonny died, I don't need to know why. I can accept that he did and it's ok to accept that.'

Big Self and Small Self: 'Although I don't understand why Jonny died, I don't need to know why. I can accept that he did and it's ok to accept that'

Big Self: 'Now, holding that thought in our heads, that its ok not to know and we can accept that it happened, let's use that sunlight to fill our bodies and heal all the parts of us that need to accept this and need to feel accepted. Shall we do that?'

Small Self: 'Yes, shall we just let it flow about?'

Big Self: 'That's right; let it flow around all the places in your body it needs to go; all the places that need healing and when it's done it can flow right on out through our toes. Let me know when you're done.'

Small Self: 'I feel a pain in my heart'

Big Self: 'That's ok, just let the light do its work, soften the pain and let it go'.

Small Self (smiles): 'I'm done'.

We just sat for a few minutes, Small Self and Big Self, in peaceful silence.

Big Self: 'How are you doing?'

Small Self: 'I feel better. Acceptance feels better than Confused'.

Big Self: 'Well, let's check in with this new feeling of acceptance. How does it feel to accept that you had no control over these events?'

Small Self: 'Ok, it feels ok now.'

Big Self: 'And how does it feel to accept that you can't take away Mum and Dad's pain or make it better?'

Small Self: 'That's ok too. I feel sad for them but I don't feel I need to look after them now.'

Big Self: 'How does it feel to accept we'll never know why Jonny died?'

Small Self: 'Well I'm sad that he did and I miss him, but it ok.'

I hugged my Small Self. I felt my Social Self hug my Essential Self and agree to be soul sisters.

And I've started to remember funny things, things that were hidden away in my memory of life before 12 - like the den I had at the bottom of the garden. I used to make mud pies in an old tart tin in my den and I used Hawthorn berries for cherries when Mum stopped me pinching her glace ones. I remember a particular tree in the field where I lived called the Horsy tree because it was shaped like a horse's back. I spent hours and hours riding the Horsy tree. It was my favourite spot, unless the cows were in the field; then my favourite spot was in my den. And I remember insisting on being called Princess Rita and leaving lemon curd tarts on a ridge under the kitchen table. Perhaps more will start to come now...

The headache has gone, but I am distinctly knackered. When more starts to pop out, I'll pop it on here. Right now I need sleep.

Thank you for listening. If you've read this far, I admire you. You must have a very numb bottom.

love and twinkles, Tina B xx

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Let your girlfriends know you love them!

February. Valentine's Month. More cards, toys, chocolates etc than you can shake a stick at. Everywhere you look: Love, Love, Love!

Well, let's take some inspiration and let our girlfriends know just how important they are to us, how much we love and appreciate them...because...after all, men are great, but your girlfriends are critical. Girlfriends will always be there even when the menfolk aren't. Girlfriends know just what to do if you break up with a man; but few men truly understand what it means to break up with a girlfriend. So let's celebrate our girlfriends! Send them a card to show them your love and appreciation.

I had these cards created precisely for that purpose. Beautifully designed by my good buddy Tania.

They cost £8.00 including p&p. To buy just email me at stating your postal address and the number of sets you want. I'll email you a paypal payment link by return. (Why didn't I put a link on the blog? Because I'm still trying to work it out!)

Happy Valentines! And to all my Divas - I really do appreciate you.